Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/StevenWright

Text File | 1993-09-03 | 28KB | 729 lines

More than likely there are some Wrightisms out there that aren't in
this list (then I guess this list isn't Canonical after all), but
don't send them to me.

All quotes below have been reprinted without the express written consent
of Steven Wright, and so he'll probably sue my ass if he saw this, but
go ahead and reprint and distribute this anyway. He'll love ya for it!

------------------------------ cut here -------------------------------

"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is,
it's always room temperature."

"I was an only child, eventually"

"I lost a button hole"

"I was skydiving horizontally"

"I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?"

"On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor,
so I never have to go upstairs"

"I just redecorated my appartment. I put fake brick wallpaper
over a real brick wall... just so nobody would know"

"I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to
it"

"I invented the cordless extension cord"

"When I was little, my grandfater used to make me stand in a
closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
practice"

"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around
for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked
where I lived. I said, 'right here, officer'"

"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was
another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit."

"A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so
fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing
[mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'"

"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite picture."

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette
wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my
bedroom.  They put it in _exactly_ the same place it was.
When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.
Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother,
but he didn't obey.

A child's mind is a terrible thing, ... not to fuck with!

"I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries....but they weren't
included....so I had to buy them again.

I had parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back,
the entire neighborhood was gone."

"I had a friend who was a clown.. when he died, all his friends went to the
 funeral in one car.."

"I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time."

"I got a dog and named him `Stay'.  Now, I go `Come here, Stay!'  After a
while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all."

"I spilled Spot Remover on my dog....Now he's gone."

        I have a map of the United States, it says scale: 1 mile =1
        mile

        I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2"
        taller.

        I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to
        age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier....
I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.....
I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
information.  She said they were behind the couch.  She was
right.

"I like to skate on the other side of the ice."

"My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out
of my yard or I'll throw it at them."

"One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash
on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty
pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my
house."

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the
 same time. I think I've forgotten this before."

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.  Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check.  Yesterday, I got a call from a woman
in Germany.  She said, "Cut it out."

"I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice"

"Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me.  I wonder how much deeper
 they'd be if that didn't happen."

(some omitted....) ....the judge asked: "what do you plead?" I said "insanity.
                       your honour, who in their right mind would park in the
                       passing lane?"

"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.  She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkys on the escalator"

"Having sex with <name> is incredible.  It's just like a concert.  We throw
frisbees around the room.  And when she wants more she lights a match..."

"I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit
here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going
that far.'".

        Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.  On the back it
        said, "Wish you were here."

        Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

        If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
        precipitate.

        "Did you sleep well?"  "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

        My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole
        package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes
        she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

        My socks DO match.  They're the same thickness.

        I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
        means it's going to be up all night.

        I have two very rare photographs.  One is a picture of Houdini
        locking his keys in his car.  The other is a rare photograph of
        Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

        I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a
        full house and four people died.

        I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
        anywhere near the place.

        I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was
        in the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they
        weren't included.

        I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
        the statues that are in all the other museums.

        It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

        What's another word for Thesaurus?

        When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
        parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
        me if I'm leaving.

        When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
        any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"

        You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

        If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

        I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know
        what to feed it.

        I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate.  Then I took it to
        a potluck.  I stood in line for some cake.  They said, "Do you
        want white cake or chocolate cake?"  I said, "yes".

        My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.  She says if
        I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

        I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They
        said, "What for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

        I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

        I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.

        I got a chain letter by fax.  It's very simple.  You just fax a
        dollar bill to everybody on the list.

        I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called
        someone.  They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

        My friend Sam has one leg.  I went to his house.  I couldn't go
        up the stairs.

        The sun never sets on the British Empire.  But it rises every
        morning.  The sky must get awfully crowded.

        I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm
        Narcissus.

        You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is
        in the mail, and then you remember it really is?  I'm like that
        all the time.

        How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

        I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet
        supplies".  So I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that
        said "compact cars".

        The sky already fell.  Now what?

        I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I wear my liver on my pant leg.

        If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a
        fan club?

        When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
        ankle.  A little old lady had to help me across the street.

        You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
        asleep, you're reading, reading...  and all of a sudden you
        notice your eyes are closed?  I'm like that all the time.

        My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the
        apartment somewhere.

        Smoking cures weight problems...  eventually...

        Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.  It said, "what
        for?"

        I xeroxed my watch.  Now I have time to spare.

        I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in
        only ten minutes.

        I eat swiss cheese.  But I only nibble on it.  I make the holes
        bigger.

        I moved into an all-electric house.  I forgot and left the porch
        light on all day.  When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

        You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
        experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
        part of the experiment?  I'm like that all the time.

        My friend Sally is a nudist.  I went to her house.  The closets
        have no doors.  The walls are covered with see-through
        wallpaper.

        Sally plays strip poker.  Whenever she loses, she has to put
        something on.

        The sky is falling...  no, I'm tipping over backwards.

        Is "tired old cliche" one?

        if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a
        joke?

        It only rains straight down.  God doesn't do windows.

        The sign said "eight items or less".  So I changed my name to
        Les.

        Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road.  I asked it why.
        It told me it was none of my business.

        I rented a lottery ticket.  I won a million dollars.  But I had
        to give it back.

        In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends
        with a period.  Every crime ends with a sentence.

        I xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra xerox machine.

        I went to a garage sale.  "How much for the garage?"  "It's not
        for sale."

        I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.

        A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and
        returned a cup of sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."

        I had my coathangers spayed.

        The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to
        Alaska.  Now Santa Claus is missing.

        I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu."  The
        headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

        I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when
        suddenly the prescription ran out.

        I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.

        I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.
        The weatherman on TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot
        today."

        I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
        reading.  Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
        If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
        light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
        He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."

        I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had
        a kaleidoscope.  "We're surrounded."

        I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake.  I didn't
        notice until I got it set up.  People complained because they
        couldn't see the lake.

        When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
        age in a year.  I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
        I'll be ninety.

        It's a fine night to have an evening.

        Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

        I can't stop thinking like this.

        This isn't all true.

        You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
        get to the top, and you think there's one more step?  I'm like
        that all the time.

        I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

        Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

        My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or
        numbers.  He says it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it
        was.  You can guess what he told me.

        I spent all my money on a FAX machine.  Now I can only FAX
        collect.

        If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

        If God dropped acid, would he see people?

    All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last  nite.   I
    was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

    When  I was five years old I was on a merry go round.  There was a
    gunshot nearby.  The horses stampeded.  There I was  running  down
    the street on a purple wooden horse.

    I'm kinda tired.  I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
    Then  I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved
    roads.

    Doin' a little work around the  house.   Putting  hardwood  floors
    over  wall-to  wall  carpeting.  I put fake brick wallpaper over a
    real brick wall, just so I'd be the only  one  who  knew.   People
    come over and I'm gonna say Go ahead, touch it .. it feels real.

    I don't like the sound of my phone  ringing  so  I  put  my  phone
    inside my fish tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a call
    I  see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to the pet
    store -- Gimme another ten guppies I got a lotta calls yesterday.

    My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep, I
    go over there and write misspelled words on them.

    One night I walked home very late and fell  asleep  in  somebody's
    satellite  dish.   My  dreams were showing up on TV's all over the
    world.

    I went to a general store.  They  wouldn't  let  me  buy  anything
    specifically.

    I was watching the superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.  The
    team  scored  a  touchdown.   They  showed the instant replay.  He
    thought they scored another one.  I was  gonna  tell  him,  but  I
    figured the game HE was watching was better.

    My school colors were clear.  I'm not naked I'm in the band.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just
stay right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think
I might have written that."

"So, do you live around here often?"

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand box.  I
was an only child....eventually.

(Referring to a glass of water:)  I mixed this myself.  Two parts H, one
part O.  I don't trust anybody!

"I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if
they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they
ask me what size I need, and I say, ' Extra medium.' "

I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I washed mud off of mud.

I took a baby shower.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got
a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but
every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the
guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

When I was 8, I played little league.  I was on first;
I stole third;  I went straight across.  Earlier that
week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points
was a direct line.  I took advantage of that knowledge.

I couldn't find the remote to the remote.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he gan get
me five.

    "The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me."

    "You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair,
and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards,
but then you catch yourself at the last second?  I feel like that
all the time..."

There is a thin line between fishing and standing on
the shore looking like an idiot.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it on all the
beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it....  -Steven Wright

"I'm feeling kinda hyper..."

"And now, my imitation of bowling:  [imitation of a ball rolling down a
lane, which abruptly stops after about 3 seconds]  ....   gutter."

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.  I hit the
gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

        When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever
we walked under a bridge, you couldn't understand what he said.

Then there's the story he tells about meeting the blond Chinese girl on a
bus who tells him all her problems.  She says she is on her way to therapy,
because she is a nymphomaniac, but she only gets turned on by Jewish cowboys.
She then says, "By the way, what is your name."  He says, "Hi, I'm
  Bucky Goldstein."

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down
in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at
the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet.  Two little
kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See,
that's how it's done."

    WHY IS THE ALPHABET IN THAT ORDER?   IS IT BECAUSE OF THAT
    SONG?

I have a map of the United States...actual size.  It says, "scale: 1 mile = 1
mile."  I spent last summer folding it.

If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people
were trapped on the escalators.

I like to skate on the other side of the ice ... I like to reminisce with
people I don't know ... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the
shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ... And when I
get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then
sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I lost a button hole today.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo...  He got pretty
good... He could go under a rug...

All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried
to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give
me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in
the store..."

Last year we drove across the country...  We switched on the driving...
every half mile...  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the
entire trip........... I don't remember what it was...

One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in
the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole
building started up.... So I drove it around....  A policeman stopped
me for going to fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said,
'Right here'...  Then I drove my building onto the middle of a
highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the
hell out of my driveway.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why
haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't call everyone I want...
my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you
had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on
it."

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to
park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices...
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
just whipped out a quarter?

The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.  Fred, Barney..

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I
pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said 'Hi, where you going?'  He
said, 'Phoenix.'  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors
opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix.  I
looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to
hang around with.'  We got into his car and drove out to his shack in
the desert.  Then the phone rang.  He said 'You get it.'  I picked it
up and said 'Hello?'...the other side said 'Is this Steven
Wright?'...I said 'Yes...'  The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the
student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your
last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they
recieved none of the $17,000 we loaned you...we would just like to
know what happened to the money?'  I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to
you straight.  I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it
he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called
me again.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been
serious because I brought a beach towel.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.  Now it looks
like I'm the only one moving.

I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done.

My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can
ask him what he meant.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when
I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying
to see it clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.'

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats
on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the
guy was locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're
open 24-hours."  He said, "Yea, but not in a row."

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.

I was born by Ceasarian Section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just
that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912 ...
well, to make a long story short ...

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift
Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he
would know when to stop unwrapping.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its
"Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my
friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."

I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and
went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only studder in
spanish.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road;
I don't know how I got there.

I installed a skylight in my apartment....
The people who live above me are furious!

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it
pisses me off!  I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you
doing here?  You haven't worked a day in your life!"

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.  I
said "the whole time".

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said, "Steven,
time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real
easy.  Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left."  So I went down
to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother
was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet
in the shape of a ouigi board.  You'd think about what kind of food you
want and the table would move across the floor to it.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said "Didn't
you see the stop sign."  I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I
read."

They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning... (picks up
his glass of water from the stool) ...I like to live on the edge...

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.  So, I got
some flip-up contact lenses.

Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll
Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.  You'll just
be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep it
scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it...

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing
what I was doing.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing
in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

Sometimes I...No, I don't.

I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept locking the keys
in the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

I used to work at a health food store.  I got fired for drinking straight
Bosco on the job.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press?  I don't get it...

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west,
  does he become disoriented?

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping."
  They said "Here, change this bulb."  I said "I'll need some friends."

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night.  Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer.
  it was made of grass.

The sun got confused about daylight savings.  It rose twice.
  Everything had two shadows.

 "On the other hand, you have different fingers..."